It's a self preservation thing
by mayfair22
Summary: There are things she wants to do like kill him or kiss him …she isn't picky. But seriously? He waited all these years to be moral about things? He had to think about others now?...


_AN: Incidentally (even though they aren't very popular) I have become obsessed with LWD side chracters, So I recently had a Sam/Kendra and will soon have a Noel and a Truman/Vicky and perhaps a Dizzie as well, but before all that, here's a sort of Dasey because the plot bunny would just not leave me alone. It isn't very original and a lot of you would recognise the 'Love Actually ' scene. It's also not one of my best but I just had to get it out of the way. I still hope you guys like it._

_bsloths has been kind enough to beta read it._

DISCLAIMER: I don't own LWD.

* * *

She isn't too sure why she chose today to do this, funny because she also isn't too sure what _this _is.

And the fact that it is ridiculously cold even though the weather report had said that it would be five degrees above normal has her convinced that the Earth had spun all wrong and her feeble attempts at _this_ would just come crashing on her face.

Weather men should be sued for being wrong.

She's vaguely aware of two things though, one: several seconds have ticked by and yet no one has made a move, two: if this had been one of those lives where she could split herself and watch from the other side of the street, she would not have been able to fathom the situation…He holds the door open. Is he moving out? Moving in? Holding it open for her? Or blocking the way?

Eyes held together…Their January breath the only other thing in unison.

Ultimately she relents and decides to make the first move, "It's freezing out here Derek. Can I please come in?"

Smile firmly in place.

It works and the trance is broken.

His answer is to shift slightly, allowing her to move in. And for a minute she is left unprepared because he was supposed to shove the door on her face. Ah! Well…Stranger things have happened.

"Why are you here?" he asks once the world has been shut behind them.

She can feel the tense muscles relax as the smile leaves her face and something else all together bunches in her chest when she turns around to take a good look at her step-brother. The bane of her existence since she was fifteen, her companion, her almost friend…The family she had not seen in past one year. "I came to see your place."

"Now that you have…" He gestures at the door indicating her to leave and Casey fights the urge to roll her eyes even though she sends a silent thank you prayer for him being _normal… _

"Will you at least take my coat?"

He mumbles something non-committal again, which she just takes as an indication for her to hang her coat on her own. Derek was never the one to be a gentleman.

"Why are you here?" he asks again but it's duly ignored.

She takes in the living room as she moves forward. His recliner is there and she almost smiles at it. The television is huge and it figures that with his miserly job as an assistant television editor, this must have cost him a small fortune. And then there are shelves, full of DVD's and a few old fashioned Cassette recorders. Work, she presumes. What is interesting though is that each of them are labeled and neatly stacked together, thankfully non-alphabetically. _What mess if Derek had turned into her clone?_

Her fingers trace the labels, recognizing a few names. In spite of the shock of this new organized Derek, it's a relief to see that his choice in movies remains pretty much the same. Wild things 5: 5 times wilder!

"You haven't answered my question," he begins again.

"You haven't taken my call in a year." She snaps back and then winces because this was not what she had in mind; she had planned it so well, gone over it again and again in her head, in front of the mirror, in front of Emily. She had been planning it for weeks and it had been decided that the best way to get things back to normal was to be normal about it.

As normal as planning a surprise birthday party for Sam, knowing that at least _that _would force Derek to make an appearance could be.

Voice controlled, sunny smile she invites him then. It is therefore slightly annoying when he just chuckles at her.

"Sam knows you're planning a party for him."

"What? How?"

"Casey, Casey, Casey…" he smirks and for a split second it feels as if she went ahead and opened a door to high school. This way, leaning against the door way, one foot tucked behind the other, arms crossed at the chest, repeating her name like this, it almost seems like he had never grown up, never grown apart.

"Let's see…" he continues, "Sam, sweetheart, will you please call on the caterers on your way back. Sam darling, what is your favourite cake? Sammy please make sure you have no plans for the 22nd?'

She blames the sudden heat to her face to the alternating axis again, "Will you come?"

"You still going to go through with it?"

It's a good thing that she has years of practice of not answering his questions.

His next is sudden and jolts her out of her recent interest in hockey magazines, "You don't know your husband's favourite cake?"

She shrugs but doesn't look up, "What's to know. I never asked him and he never told me."

He stares at her bent head long and hard before moving forward to the kitchen to get himself a beer. So he wasn't planning on throwing her out of the apartment. It's a start.

She is busy memorizing useless hockey stats when he returns, humming a tune she doesn't recognize. The knot in her stomach gets even more wound up as Casey suddenly wonders what it is that he does when alone at home. What does he listen to these days? Is the music still that loud? What car does he drive? What's his boss's name? Who exactly is he dating? And she wonders when and how did this happen?

"Lemon Chiffon cake."

And how crazy is it that he should be randomly muttering out the name of _her _favourite cake...She looks up and he shrugs and she drives her eyes back to the magazine. Her heart beating loudly against her ribcage.

"Why haven't you answered my calls? My dinner invitations? I have asked Sam to invite you several times." So much for playing it cool.

"I see Sam often."

"It isn't the same thing Derek Venturi and you know it." She hates the fury in her voice. But this is how she felt- angry. He didn't have the right. No right what so ever to flung out…_whatever _it was that they had between them. If nothing else they were still family and he hadn't even cared about that.

She doesn't even know when it went all wrong, when had the hostility become real, when wasn't it just friendly banter but something more bitter? When had he actually begun to hate her?

The last she had seen of him was on her wedding day a year before.

This had been stupid, totally pointless and she makes up her mind to leave. Derek could take his hostility and shove it up his ass if he wanted. She had a loving husband and a wonderful job to get back to.

It's only when she is turning around to pick up her bag that her eyes land on it.

It's a CD marked 'Space-Case'.

She picks it up, letting her fingers roam around the label, "What's this?"

"A CD," he quips even though she can see the sudden tension crease his forehead.

"Why does it have my name on it?"

And before he can answer she is pushing it into the player.

"Case…Don't." His voice is resigned.

"Shut-up," she orders, her nerves knotting up as she swallows in anticipation.

The video is of her wedding. It has everything from her entering on Dennis's arm to her vows to the reception and her throwing the bouquet. And yet it has nothing…There's no one but her in there. It's like Derek did nothing but focus his camera onto her. There was no family, no guests, no Sam…it finally pauses on a close up of her waving while they drove away for their honeymoon and then it starts playing again.

Casey gasps. It's now a footage she recognizes; of her in high school, brushing her teeth, eating her food, sleeping, dancing, her valedictorian speech, some random scenes from college and it finally ends with her and Sam .Together.

For some reason the scene in front of her makes her want to gag.

"I thought I'll edit and present it to Sam." He supplies from behind her but she ignores it, because there's a certain quiver in his voice she understands.

All those times he had been angry, hostile, and unreasonable with her...

The realization is sudden and intense.

"I thought you hated me."

"I do." And she doesn't believe him.

"Why?" she is still staring at the screen in front of her.

He sighs and even though she isn't looking at him, Casey can _hear _the passing of a quick hand through his hair in frustration, "It's a …it's a self preservation thing."

"How long?" she asks mutely, turning around and Derek just stares behind her shoulder before sighing in submission, "does it matter?"

"Yes, yes it matters to me."

"Too long. Far too long."

"Why didn't you say anything?" she is shivering and it's not the cold anymore. Stupid weather issues.

Derek looks drained of all energy and she wants to shake him enough to rattle an answer out of him, but he simply looks past her, "It doesn't matter." And of course it does. A muscle works in his neck as he finally meets her eyes, "you fell in love with Sam."

"Fell in love with Sam?" she stands up, furious at his blame. "_I _fell in love with Sam? Have you forgotten college Derek? All those times I came to you? To ask you what was wrong? To make amends? And you pushed me away." She has never known herself to be so angry before, "and you know what, you pushed me right into his arms. I did not fall in love with him Derek, you made me do it."

Derek turns his back to her, shutting her out, "You should leave," he whispers to no one in particular.

She walks up to him forcing him to turn around and look at her, "Why?" and it's a questions for all that's there _and_ not there between them…

"He loves you Princess." Derek traces a thumb down her jaw and it imprints on her mind. And how insanely wrong it is that he can look at her this way, touch her this way, Call her princess in that low voice of his and tell her that _someone else_ loved her. "Sam is perfect for you Case. He is everything I never could be."

"You bastard." She spits out and he backs off in shock because he has never heard her swear before, "you filthy coward." She continues, "You chose for me."

" I couldn't …" he begins to explain and then turns around helplessly fixing the couch , putting the CD back into case, throwing the beer can into the bin.

She stares in shock, "You are doing work."

"I also scrub and clean the floor every second day." He answers quietly and she can't make out if he's joking or not.

"I kept waiting."

He straightens but doesn't answer, his lips set in a straight line, eyes unreadable but his body language gives him away as he looks at her in regret and takes two long quick steps in her direction and yet doesn't reach her.

"Go. _Please._"

"No," it's drenched out of her "I'm not leaving you. Not now. Not when I know."

Derek groans, "Don't be an idiot Case."

She shakes her head stubbornly. She'll be an idiot if she wants to be, he doesn't get to run her life. Not now.

Derek groans as he lifts her face up, "You'll regret this. We'll regret this" and yet his lips are forming a pattern at her forehead, moving down her cheek, his each kiss punctuated with a plea to stop this madness.

It _is _madness and she knows it but her breathing has stopped and his has gotten heavier and the lines between wrong and right have blurred together. She snakes her arms up clasping them around his neck as he makes the final distance and captures her mouth with his.

It is pure and unadulterated bliss.

"We can't do this Case, we can't. Not to Sam." He mutters as he stops and she knows he is right but there is a fact that he isn't letting go of her either. His hands are still clasped at her waist. His each breath bringing her closer to him, yearning, waiting, wanting, reaching out for something he had foolishly given away. If only he really had been as strong as he made out to be…

"We'll make this work Derek. I know we can." Desperation creeps into her voice, tears threatening to build up as he starts to shake his head. She reaches up once more, kissing his jaw, his closed eye-lids. "I love you." She whispers in his ears and feels his ragged breath come out in a loud exhale as he curses unintelligibly and they are caught in a tangle of another heated kiss.

Their need and frustration of so many wasted years apparent in their each kiss, grope and touch.

This, right now, is what matters.

And suddenly it ends and she pushes him away abruptly.

Derek looks at her hard for a moment and she squirms under the intensity and then he nods, his voice defeated. "You love him." He states simply

She shakes her head to say no, but Derek catches her chin in his hand, "You do Case and you would never hurt him. I would never hurt him. We both love him too much."

There are things she wants to do like kill him or kiss him …she isn't picky. But seriously? He waited all these years to be moral about things? He had to think about others _now_?

"Do the right thing?" she asks and it feels ridiculous because her heart tells her that the right thing was being with Derek.

"No Princess. Do the _only _thing. You can't do it any other way. I know you."

It takes several long moments to it to register and she nods as it settles in. _She did love Sam._ There is a start of a migraine in her head because how could she be in love with two men at the same time and yet the picture is setting clear now. Perhaps this is how understanding dawns on you, without the fanfare of epiphany. Quietly crawls into you and quells the question which had been left unanswered for so long.

Because you can't fight the tears that aren't coming, or find the moment of truth in your lies.

She knows now that she could never do it any other way.

If only her body had not gone numb at this point, if only she had stopped shaking …perhaps then she would have done a dramatic exit and pretended that she didn't care…but she can't move…she needs her time…

Derek knows it too. He after all had known her better always.

For it is only for one mindless second that it feels like he doesn't know what to do _either _and then he walks away from her, smiling at her sadly as he does so. "Good bye Casey. I'm going to go. Do close up on your way out."

And he is gone and she doesn't cry.

It's a self preservation thing


End file.
